By FREDERICK C. JONES
Christmas Press Writer
WASHINGTON, DC (CP) -- Christmas turned tragic this morning when a Patriot missile battery, deployed just days ago when the nation's terror alert level was raised to orange, fired upon a flying sleigh killing the pilot and eight reindeer. According to Tom Ridge, Department of Homeland Security Secretary, the sleigh violated the Washington D.C. no-fly zone implemented after the September 11, 2001 terror attacks.
Shards of burnt plastic, bits of brightly colored paper and clumps of fur rained down on the streets of Washington as most of its residents were nestled snug in their beds. They awoke to the flashing of emergency vehicle strobe lights to find, instead of gifts under their Christmas trees, National Guard troops patrolling the streets to preserve order in the wake of the unspeakable accident.
Spokespeople at the Transportation Security Administration, National Transportation Safety Board and the Federal Aviation Administration, which operates the nation's air traffic control system, could not be reached for comment as they were spending the holidays with their families.
A defense industry website describes the Patriot as "a long-range, all-altitude, all-weather air defense system to counter tactical ballistic missiles, cruise missiles and advanced aircraft." The missile launched this morning is designed to reach six times the speed of sound before exploding in close proximity its target.
Retired Air Force General Simon George, a military consultant for the Christmas Press, said that "[the sleigh's pilot] never would have seen it coming. [The missile] flies several times faster than a .44 magnum bullet."
Sgt. Joseph Gentile, a district police spokesman, said that a wallet found in the sleigh debris identified the pilot as Christopher Cringle, a resident of the arctic region between Canada and Russia. A search of an online database of legal records found a summary judgment against Cringle dating back to 1977 when he failed to appear in a Texas court after novelty songwriter Randy Brooks alleged Cringle's reckless sleigh driving lead to the death of Brooks' grandmother.
The Federal Aviation Administration's airman database failed to locate a valid pilot certificate for Cringle.